The big "I"

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in 2000. At the time, it wasn't a big deal. I didn't have any of the outward side effects: acne, excess body hair growth, weight gain. And I was thrilled it meant I didn't have to worry about getting knocked up on accident.

This was, of course, before I met the boy. And before that biological clock everyone talks about started ticking loud enough to annoy me.

A few years ago, house hunting in one of the most expensive markets in the U.S. forced me to try to project my life five, 10 years out. And though I wouldn't admit it even then, most of my hazy predictions included an extra room and a fenced in yard just in case.

When we moved back to my hometown, it was for the purpose of stepping off the career track. For spending time with friends and family. Before starting our own. Publicly, I maintained the "Children? Hell no!" facade. Privately, the desire grew stronger.

I wasn't good at staying off the career track. In fact, only six months later, I was promoted two titles up, right back onto it. That delayed the (still unspoken) family part another two years, the bare minimum to prove myself and build up the social capital needed to (hopefully) keep professional doors open should motherhood become a reality.

In August 2008, I went off the Pill. We told ourselves it was to see if my sex drive would improve. (It did.) A couple of months later, we got honest with each other. Due to my preexisting diagnosis, we didn't wait long to see a reproductive specialist. By February, my PCOS diagnosis was reconfirmed. I started Metformin, a diabetes drug that's been shown to regulate cycles in women with PCOS, due to prevalence of insulin resistance. Unfortunately, its side effects include gastrointestinal hell. It made me so nauseous I couldn't even go to work. Then I ended up needing emergency surgery for a thrombosed hemorrhoid (embarrassing!). That took Metformin off the list of options completely.

(I later learned my glucose tolerance testing levels were perfectly normal, so Metformin was far from required. Some endos think all PCOSers have some form of insulin resistance. I did start periods the first two times I tried Met. So maybe there's some truth in it. But since learning of my test results, I don't feel bad about not being able to tolerate the drug.)

At our next appointment, my RE suggested Femara (generic: Letrozole). Most people have heard of Clomid. My RE said Femara was reported to have fewer side effects and reduced the risk of multiples. A plus since, with my under-5' 1" frame, I wasn't interested in risking more than one at a time.

I waited a few months to start the drug because my plus-nine-months planning put maternity leave at the worst possible time at work (right in the middle of a once-every-five-years project I was coordinating). But we kept "practicing" all summer. Truth was, I was secretly charting, and deliberately seducing the boy at optimal times. Still, nothing happened.

When I finally started Femara, I was optimistic. But each month, when I landed back in the doctor's office, I became more depressed by the unfairness of it all. A cyst that flared up around ovulation made intercourse most painful when it should have been most effective. Everyone else was getting pregnant, seemingly with little effort. Why should the two of us, who did everything "right," draw the short straw?

Infertility.

It's a tough word to type, much less say aloud. Particularly as a closeted wannabe breeder. But that's what we're up against. Both of us. On our fourth cycle of Femara, we've been talked into intrauterine insemination (IUI) to give the boy's swimmers a better chance.

So tomorrow, the boy will get intimate with a cup. And a doctor will get intimate with me, shooting selected swimmers as close to the target as possible.

I should be thankful the timing fell on a day when I can sneak away from work without being noticed. I should be thankful my husband was able to get off work to be with me (it would suck if his child was conceived and he wasn't even there).

But there's no euphemism for it. Infertility sucks.