Dictionary of hurls

WARNING: Readers with weak stomachs and/or virus or hormone-induced nausea may want to stop here.

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Tuesday night broke my vomit-free record of 8 days. After 12 weeks of this, I think I am a certifiable expert on hurling. What follows is list of different types of this activity. Did I miss anything?

Whoops hurl: This one typically begins with a tickle in the back of your throat. You cough, and next thing you know, you're running for the nearest repository, often a sink or trash can. In a worst case scenario, you're stuck in your car with no receptacle bin and have make do like a cow (swallow and digest again).

Skimming-the-cream-off-the-top hurl: This may occur when you've just eaten a little too much and just that little bit pops back up. Usually not too traumatizing. One cough, and it's over.

Fruity hurl: You might think that fruit would be less offensive to vomit. After all, it's juicy and sweet going down; why not coming up? Wrong! Something happens in your stomach that causes fruit like apples and watermelon to become among the worst to hurl. One exception is strawberries, but only if they are regurgitated within an hour of eating.

Solid hurl: This happens when you think you've outsmarted your stomach by avoiding any liquids near mealtime. Carbs contribute to the most solid of hurls. Chewing thoroughly may help reduce the offensiveness of this type of hurl, but it's usually pretty raw.

Chunky hurl: This can happen if you drink liquids with your meal, or if fruits and vegetables - particularly salad - have been incorporated with your meal. It's best to avoid this. A sore throat is a common side effect.

Liquid hurl: This can occur after solids have been extracted and/or if you have been dutifully hydrating. Once you've experienced a few of these, you know why clear liquids are recommended.

Bile (or empty) hurl: This happens after the solids and unoffensive liquids have been extracted. One of the worst. Energy exerted typically exceeds return. Many a bile hurler has been surprised to see a relatively empty toilet, given the the effort expended.

Extended hurl: This usually brings the hurler to her knees; she may even find herself accidentally hugging a filthy toilet for support. It typically starts with a solid hurl, followed by a chunky one. There may be a brief moment of respite where the hurler thinks she is done, only to be surprised by a violent liquid hurl. If the hurler is lucky, she will feel relieved once her stomach is completely emptied of foreign matter. But in a worst case scenario, this may be followed by a bile hurl and/or what is frequently known as dry heaving. Just try to remember to breathe.

Morning-after hurl: It's been a long time since I've experienced one of these. But from what I recall, these frequently start with a chunky hurl, followed by an extended liquid hurl that may still reek (or burn) from the shots you thought were a good idea the previous night. After one of these, the hurler may be overcome with a sense of relief and a strong desire to eat something greasy. Do not delay, drive immediately to the closest McDonalds.