Life is tenuous

Only hours after my first positive pregnancy test, fear set in. What if I can't sustain this pregnancy?

This weekend, that fear came to life.

Saturday afternoon, right after I got off the phone with a friend who was trying to find out if I was pregnant (don't make me regret making you one of the few I've confided in) I went to the bathroom and saw blood.

Bright red spots. In my underwear, and on the toilet paper. And there were more dots when I went to the bathroom a second time. (Now I know why they call it "spotting.")

Since the doctor's office was closed, I turned to the Internet, where I learned bright red = bad. Dark brown or pink = not necessarily bad.

At that point, my only option for medical care was the ER. Since I wasn't having heavy bleeding or bad cramping, and since I knew it was too early for doctors to do or see anything anyway, I stayed home to wait it out.

The term "chemical pregnancy" is a terrible one. It implies there's nothing lost. Just a "whoops" on the pregnancy test, a little blip in hormones that didn't mean anything. These implications are false, of course. Because even if the physical damage is minimal, the emotional impact is devastating.

I was overcome with a horrible, helpless feeling. There was nothing anyone could know for sure, and nothing I could do about it either way.

I finally called Chris — who was working — and broke down in tears. Sobbing out of control. He tried to reassure me that we would be OK. We knew how to "make" a baby now, and we could do it again. He put my emotional pain above his own fear, anger, helplessness. He was amazing. I do love that boy.

I took a nap. And when I woke up, the spotting had stopped. But the fear did not.

Today, I finally talked to the nurse. It turns out sex can cause the type of spotting I had. She says intercourse won't cause miscarriage. But it turns out pregnant sex can have a nasty side effect.

So no more pregnant sex for me. Not until I can feel more confident about staying pregnant.

When can I allow myself to feel excited about this?